birthdays are the worst days, now days.

 Looking back, this year was one of the hardest of my life. My brother.. that just wasn't how i saw life going. I never imagined a world he was not in. Yet here i am. And i close my eyes every night as life goes on.. I struggle with it. I feel like I am leaving him somewhere behind me.. but I cant bring him forward, and my heart is still back there with him. I feel like I cant find him sometimes.. I miss him. Everyday. I don't think that will ever go away. As a child you know one day your parents will leave you, and so we go through life with that expectation, and when it happens it hurts.. bad, but that is life, and we know we bury our parents.. you're not supposed to bury your siblings at 37. I am his age, when he died.. and I hate this number. I try to smile through the bad days, and i always make it to tomorrow, but i don't wanna do today.. I don't want another happy birthday.. i just want one, and he isn't here.. i still hear your voice, "Miss you Sissy..." & i miss you too. So, this is 37. This is the start of a new year of life. This is the first day of the rest of my life, and as painful as it is, i will still conquer it.